2012.

It's 2012.
Unlike most people, I did not spend new year's out partying.
Instead, I spent it curled up at home with a giant blanket.
I've been in a horrible, sad mood these past few days. My family and my friends assumed it was because of my news years plans. Or lack of them.
But that's the thing. I don't care about whether I stay at home or not, because I don't like partying. I wouldn't have minded staying home with a couple friends, but everyone wanted to go out and party. So i stayed home.
Either way. My sadness has nothing to do with new years.
I just feel so confused.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I wish I did. I wish I could just shut my eyes, open them after a few minutes and be hit with the answers to life's hardest questions.
But I can't do that.
I'm so sick of hiding. Pretending I'm someone I'm not. Caring about what people think. I'm so sick of feeling guilty because my life is perfect, and I'm still unsatisfied.
So it's currently 1 am. January 1st.
I'm not going to do this anymore.
I'm not gonna sit around wondering why I'm not satisfied. Wishing for things I've lost. Mooning over a lost love. Crying over betrayal.
I refuse to do that.
This year, a new Kim is going to be born. One that won't fall in love. One that won't get hurt. One that won't get kicked when she's down. One that won't trust as easily as she did.
The new Kim isn't gonna take shit from anyone.
Not like I do. Correction - did.
No, this year marks the start of something new. Something stronger.

Big Bounce Shadows.

I went to MAC today. Last time I was there, I noticed their Big Bounce Shadows and I really wanted one.
I ended up buying two, though.
The Cool Elite, a pearly white with a shimmery finish.
Extra Charged, a dark olive green with blue shimmery bits.

They're not that big. They're decent sized. Bigger than MAC's powder eyeshadows but smaller than say, their blush. Around the same size as their paint pots.

I hadn't really bothered swatching, or even opening them in the store, because I was in such a hurry. So I just grabbed them, paid and left. 

So when i got home and opened them, I was surprised at how... pretty they looked. I didn't wanna dip my brush in them! They looked good enough to be eaten. (Well, not literally.)

Extra Charged

The Cool Elite

Once I swatched them, though, I was terribly disappointed. I found the formula far too thin and it looked extremely washed out. It took several layers for the colours to actually show. And considering my skin colour, it looked even more washed out.

Here it is with just one layer.

Couple more layers.

  

The only way to apply this would be with a brush. Using your finger sis extremely messy, product gets everywhere and slips and slides all over your lid, causing uneven coverage.

As you can see, applying this with simply one layer is not enough, as it hardly shows up. 

Overall, I was extremely disappointed in them.
In my opinion, it was a waste of money, and I would have been better off buying MAC Paint Pots.
It's a real shame, because the colours are beautiful and I love the shimmery shades.

Procrastinating my life away?

Failure of a day.
Today, I woke up at noon. Something I never do, because I think sleeping away at least four hours of your life in the morning, when you could be doing something productive, is a waste. When you could just do that sleeping at night instead of staring into space and letting thoughts eat at your brain. But I guess that's hypocritical of me to say, because that's exactly what I do. Oh well.
Instead of getting down to studying because I woke up so late, which would have been ideal for me to do considering the limited amount of hours I had left for this day to end, I procrastinated. I spent over an hour  eating breakfast, tearing away bits of bread and staring at them like bread was the most interesting thing on the planet.
After that, I attempted studying. Didn't concentrate much, though. Next thing I new, the whole day had passed by and I'd barely got anything done.
Waste of a day, I know.

Winter

Sometimes, I really don't like living in India. Winter is one of those times. It never snows in Mumbai. Normally one would find that amazing, and most people do. But sometimes a year long summer gets tiring. Plus, I've never even touched snow. How sad is that? So I decided to create some snowy makeup to cheer myself up! This is me as an ice queen.

And here are some snowy lips I created -

Hope you liked them! Comment and share :) P.s. I have some Christmas designs coming up.

heartbreak in a nutshell.

I hate love. I'm absolutely serious. That juxtaposition of words is completely true. Love has done nothing but turn my life upside down. Mess it up. Ruin it. Bowl me over.

 I remember what life was like before I fell in love. It was so simple and uncomplicated. I remember worrying about who my latest crush was texting, or what the most "in" hairstyle was, or something trivial and fun like that. But the second he walked into the room, all confidence and smirks, I knew I was done for. I knew he'd be bad news, but something inside me just refused to let him walk out of the room without knowing who I was.

It wasn't love at first sight, no. I don't believe in that. But it was love in first talk. I remember the first time he opened his beautiful lips (I'm not trying to be cheesy. They really were beautiful.) and said hello to me. It was like dying and being reborn - I'm not over-exaggerating, although it sure sounds like it, it sounds so silly when put down in words - and I'm quite sure I took over ten seconds to respond. I was nervous and fumbly. I most probably sounded like a total dork. But despite all that, he didn't run away screaming "OMG, she's weird!" so I guess I wasn't all that bad that night.

As we got closer over the months, my feelings kept building up until the point where it felt like my heart was about to burst into song. I remember someone telling me he was with someone else. I remember the shock I felt. I remember crying in a school bathroom stall, simply because he was with someone that was not me. I remember watching him from a distance for so long. Wishing he loved me. Not whatsherface.
I remember finding out it was a lie. He was never dating anyone! I remember the smile I had on my face that day. My love for him bloomed again.

Eventually I began dating him. but even then, I knew it was unrequited. He didn't love me like I loved him. Not even close. He cared for me, yes. But never loved me. Nevertheless, I appreciated his presence. Just having him around was enough for me.

He was amazing. I loved him so much, I was willing to do anything for him. If he'd called me up in the middle of night, I'd be willing to drop everything just to help him out. My friends used to shake their heads at me, tell me I was making a bad decision. They said I shouldn't be with him. They said I love him far too much, and that he didn't deserve it. "He's a player, Kim!" "He's going to rip your heart out."  "What is wrong with you? Don't fall in love with him!"
I didn't care. Not one bit. To me, he was... the ultimate. I didn't care what everyone said. He meant more to me than all my friends combined, and I care for my friends a lot.
So I didn't listen to them. No, instead. I defended him. I said he was capable of love. That they were judging him far too quickly. I lost a friend, too, along the way. I used to get angry when people said hurtful things to me about him, about how he didn't love me. I used to freak out, hit them too, sometimes. So I lost a friend. But I didn't care! He meant more to me than them. I was convinced that he wasn't the person that everyone said he was. I'd spent months getting to know him, and trying ti peel away his many layers. I'd been successful in peeling off many. And the more he let me in, the more I fell in love with him, because they were wrong. Everyone was wrong. He was beautiful. I loved him more than ever.

I remember how our relationship started it's downward spiral. I remember going days without meeting him and how that drove me crazy. I remember how he got distant, far to distant for me to handle. I remember our million fights and breakups, and how I just couldn't let go of him like I knew I should. I remember my depression, my sadness, my anger, my problems. I remember when we broke up for the final time, and how it crushed me when I realized that this was it. He was gone. I remember just how sad I was then. 'Sad' doesn't even come close to describing how I felt, then. Empty, broken, hollow, desperate. Yearning. Yearning for someone I lost - someone I never really had, no matter what I tell myself. He was never really mine.

Looking back now, I realize how I did not appreciate him as much as I should have. I wish I'd taken a snapshot of every moment we had together and locked it up in a special place in my head. I know that I will probably be in a serious relationship again in the future. I know I will find someone else, possibly someone better. But he will always be my first, and most importantly, my only love.