Tuesday, December 13, 2011

heartbreak in a nutshell.

I hate love. I'm absolutely serious. That juxtaposition of words is completely true. Love has done nothing but turn my life upside down. Mess it up. Ruin it. Bowl me over.

 I remember what life was like before I fell in love. It was so simple and uncomplicated. I remember worrying about who my latest crush was texting, or what the most "in" hairstyle was, or something trivial and fun like that. But the second he walked into the room, all confidence and smirks, I knew I was done for. I knew he'd be bad news, but something inside me just refused to let him walk out of the room without knowing who I was.

It wasn't love at first sight, no. I don't believe in that. But it was love in first talk. I remember the first time he opened his beautiful lips (I'm not trying to be cheesy. They really were beautiful.) and said hello to me. It was like dying and being reborn - I'm not over-exaggerating, although it sure sounds like it, it sounds so silly when put down in words - and I'm quite sure I took over ten seconds to respond. I was nervous and fumbly. I most probably sounded like a total dork. But despite all that, he didn't run away screaming "OMG, she's weird!" so I guess I wasn't all that bad that night.

As we got closer over the months, my feelings kept building up until the point where it felt like my heart was about to burst into song. I remember someone telling me he was with someone else. I remember the shock I felt. I remember crying in a school bathroom stall, simply because he was with someone that was not me. I remember watching him from a distance for so long. Wishing he loved me. Not whatsherface.
I remember finding out it was a lie. He was never dating anyone! I remember the smile I had on my face that day. My love for him bloomed again.

Eventually I began dating him. but even then, I knew it was unrequited. He didn't love me like I loved him. Not even close. He cared for me, yes. But never loved me. Nevertheless, I appreciated his presence. Just having him around was enough for me.

He was amazing. I loved him so much, I was willing to do anything for him. If he'd called me up in the middle of night, I'd be willing to drop everything just to help him out. My friends used to shake their heads at me, tell me I was making a bad decision. They said I shouldn't be with him. They said I love him far too much, and that he didn't deserve it. "He's a player, Kim!" "He's going to rip your heart out."  "What is wrong with you? Don't fall in love with him!"
I didn't care. Not one bit. To me, he was... the ultimate. I didn't care what everyone said. He meant more to me than all my friends combined, and I care for my friends a lot.
So I didn't listen to them. No, instead. I defended him. I said he was capable of love. That they were judging him far too quickly. I lost a friend, too, along the way. I used to get angry when people said hurtful things to me about him, about how he didn't love me. I used to freak out, hit them too, sometimes. So I lost a friend. But I didn't care! He meant more to me than them. I was convinced that he wasn't the person that everyone said he was. I'd spent months getting to know him, and trying ti peel away his many layers. I'd been successful in peeling off many. And the more he let me in, the more I fell in love with him, because they were wrong. Everyone was wrong. He was beautiful. I loved him more than ever.

I remember how our relationship started it's downward spiral. I remember going days without meeting him and how that drove me crazy. I remember how he got distant, far to distant for me to handle. I remember our million fights and breakups, and how I just couldn't let go of him like I knew I should. I remember my depression, my sadness, my anger, my problems. I remember when we broke up for the final time, and how it crushed me when I realized that this was it. He was gone. I remember just how sad I was then. 'Sad' doesn't even come close to describing how I felt, then. Empty, broken, hollow, desperate. Yearning. Yearning for someone I lost - someone I never really had, no matter what I tell myself. He was never really mine.

Looking back now, I realize how I did not appreciate him as much as I should have. I wish I'd taken a snapshot of every moment we had together and locked it up in a special place in my head. I know that I will probably be in a serious relationship again in the future. I know I will find someone else, possibly someone better. But he will always be my first, and most importantly, my only love.


  1. i simply LOVE the way you write.. its catchy, and though a little long, it still keeps your eyes glued to the screen:) and the amazing thing is, I'm able to relate to your text. wow.

    hope you write more of these:) and to be honest; I feel sometimes disappointed about Love but without it, one could surely not live..

  2. Thank you.
    And yes, you can't live without love. But sometimes, you can't live with it either.
    When I was young, I thought falling in love would be all rainbows and butterflies. When it wasn't, 'disappointed; hardly conveys how I felt.
    But I still feel that last year but the best year of my life despite how disappointing falling in love is.
    Love is still worth feeling :)

    I will try to write more! Glad you liked it.