Moments

There are so many times in my life,
When I question everything around me.
Is it a dream or is this my reality?
Everything seems so unrealistic and imaginary,

Sometimes I pause and think,
In the middle of a conversation,
In the middle of a beautiful afternoon
In the middle of tear inducing laughter

In those rare meaningful moments,
I somehow float away from my body,
My vision turns blurry and my breath escapes me,
And I’m filled with disbelief at the beauty of it all

But sometimes, when my thoughts turn dark,
In that split second of the moment,
I feel like a ghost, someone that doesn’t belong.
Somebody who meant something once,
But doesn’t, anymore.

Words

Words spilling out the page,
Swirling and smiling all around
Flowing out of the cracks of in my mind,
Spinning and swimming in passion.

They have their own life, they have their own spirit,
They control themselves, twist themselves into existence.
In this lonely mind it’s real, it’s solid and it’s genuine.
It’s a place of comfort, a blurry daze of black and white.

This cruel world has not much to offer,
Pain and horror and chaos
Overwhelms all.
Humanity has lost its compassion
Individuality has lost its charm.

But inside every soul’s lost thoughts
Inside every creatures hurt
There is a home, a safe place.
There is a place of comfort.

Words are what I need, words are what I thrive on.
Words are my comfort.

Poems

Poems are awesome.
I;ve suddenly been really interested in poetry. I like reading it, and writing it too, sometimes. Something about it appeals to me; the emotions that can be tied to a few words.
So, something that you're going to be seeing a lot of now on this blog is poetry. And not just any poetry. MY poetry. It's mostly freeform, because I'm new to this whole poem writing thing.
Tell me what you think!

Stars

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Looking up, and you see them shine,

You see them twinkle and shimmer,

Sprinkled across the night sky,

Sprinkled amongst the minds of so many,

Embedded in the hearts of lovers.

Rendezvous amongst the stars,

Whispered words and light kisses,

People are killed, or new life is created,

Fresh tears are spilled, or laughter is heard.

The stars; they see it all.

Witnessing everything, innocently

But filled with the secrets of so many.

The stars, they’ve seen so much,

All the pain, all the hurt, all the tears,

All the passion, all the love, all the softly thudding hearts.

Anger.

I have no emotions at this moment.
Well, one emotion.
I'm very, very angry. I'm so angry, I want to break things. I don't know why I'm angry. I just am.

I hate anger. It's horrible.
I especially hate my anger.
My anger is a unique kind of anger.
When I blow up, I....blow up. I scream at people, and I break things, and then I end up sobbing. The good thing? This only happens once in about three-four months.
The bad thing? This has happened thrice in the past week.

I don't know why I'm so angry, or what I'm angry at.
I just know that I'm so frustrated. I can feel the frustration in me and it's bubbling up to the point of insanity. I'm so frustrated with everything. And everyone.

And I have bloody friends that are telling me that I'm not the only one with problems. I KNOW that. I also know that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. i just can't help it.
How do you just...believe someone? When you have absolutely no reason to?

Oh, I hate....I don't know what I hate. I just hate something.

Why can't I, for ONCE, be HAPPY?
Why can't I just be bloody happy?

Kim, are you okay? Yes. Are you happy? Yes.

I'll tell you what I saw yesterday. I saw the sky. I saw the sky and I had these questions.

Everyone always asks questions. Why are we here? What are we here for? What is the purpose of this life?

My questions are much, much simpler than those.

Why do we want to know? 

Why do we want all these answers?

I thought about it last night, when I was crying because I was upset. I thought, why am I upset? What makes me upset? What makes me want to be upset?

Why do I react this way?

I wanted to know. I searched my mind, but I didn't have an answer.

But do you know what I thought? 

I'm starting to know the person I am. 

I'm starting to see differently. For a half a year, I was stuck in this silly little daze. I hated this. I hated everyone. I hated me.

Why do I hate me?

I shouldn't hate me.

That shouldn't be happening.

Life, to me, always seemed worthless. It never meant anything to me. A life is a life. One dies, a new one is born. It's a cycle. 

But I see differently now.

But life isn't worthless. Not mine, at least. If I wasn't alive, I wouldn't be having these thoughts. I wouldn't be smiling, or laughing, or crying, or weeping. I wouldn't exist.

I'm glad I exist.

I'm happy, lately. I'm happy because I'm overcoming the hard shell I had put myself in. I'm not nice to people. I'm not friendly. I'm not helpful.

Why not?

I'm going to get out of that.

You know what? I'm setting a goal for myself. I have to be happy. And if I become sad, I shall have to write it down. And every time I'm sad, I have to overcome it.

Because no matter how hard you try, you can't be happy unless you want to be happy.

Cold, heartless... and nice.

You know what's horrible? A lot of people are horrible.
Mostly the people that pretend to care but don't, not really. Those are horrible.
Because they want everyone to have this fantastic opinion of them. Because I don't know, it's so important to them. What everyone else thinks of them. Oh, yeah. They care. They care about their image.
I've been called selfish and a bitch and insensitive and egoistical so many times. Why? Just because I'm honest. because I'm plain, in-your-face honest. Because they can't handle that. They can't handle the blatant truth right there.
But I'm just doing everyone a favor.
Who are they helping?
If you're nice to someone and tell them you care about them just because you want them to be happy, technically it does make you selfish and heartless. So you are the selfish one. Not me. I'm not selfish because I tell you I hate you. You're selfish because you tell me you don't.
Do you want to know why? Because when someone tells you they love you, this part of you believes you. And that part of you relaxes and lets your guard down and open up to that particular person. But the thing is, it isn't true. They tell you they love you, but they don't. The word "love" is used to free and loosely. "I love you."
No, you don't. You don't even know me, but you're telling me you love me. You're telling me I'm your friend.
Am I? Am I, really?
Let me give you a situation.
Here I am. I'm vulnerable and I'm scared. I'm about to do something that will drastically alter my life. Would you drop everything, get up and come to me? Would you hold me while I cry? Would you cry with me?
No, you wouldn't.
See. You're lying. You don't love me. I shouldn't expect you to.
You're selfish. You say you love me because you want me to love you back. Because the more people that love you, the more people will talk about you, the more people will know about you, the more will love you. The more likable you will become. The more sought-after you will become.

See, that's selfish.

But me? I'm not selfish. I tell you. i tell you exactly how I feel. I don't care who you are. If you're someone I love to the point of bursting, I will tell you. If I hate you, hate you so much I can't even look at you without being filled with disgust, I wil tell you. And if I tell you I hate you, that actually saves you a lot of heartbreak. because If I hate you, and something happens to you, and you expect me to help and I don't, it doesn't matter. Because you shouldn't expect me to. Because, well, I never told you I'd be there for you. So you should be grateful I never promised. I spared you pain.

When I love someone. I really love them. People tell me that that's my problem. That I get too attached to someone. That I 'love' them too much.
Isn't that the damn point?
I love intensely. I love intensely and fully and completely.

If I tell you I love you, I really do love you. Inside me, there is something that remembers you.
I don't tell a lot of people I love them.

I love passionately, and with just enough hate to keep me going.

The next time you want to call me selfish, remember. I probably don't love you, or even care about you. So you won't affect me. Because you tell me you love me. But then you say, Kim, you're selfish. Kim, you're mean.
Kim, why are you like that? Kim, why can't you just like people? Kim, why can't you just be nice for once? God, Kim, you're such a bitch sometimes. But don't worry, I still love you. Don't worry, I'm here for you. Dont worry, I feel your pain! Don't worry. Don't worry.
Don't worry. I love you.

You're just like everyone else.

Cold, heartless... and nice.