It's 2012.
Unlike most people, I did not spend new year's out partying.
Instead, I spent it curled up at home with a giant blanket.
I've been in a horrible, sad mood these past few days. My family and my friends assumed it was because of my news years plans. Or lack of them.
But that's the thing. I don't care about whether I stay at home or not, because I don't like partying. I wouldn't have minded staying home with a couple friends, but everyone wanted to go out and party. So i stayed home.
Either way. My sadness has nothing to do with new years.
I just feel so confused.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I wish I did. I wish I could just shut my eyes, open them after a few minutes and be hit with the answers to life's hardest questions.
But I can't do that.
I'm so sick of hiding. Pretending I'm someone I'm not. Caring about what people think. I'm so sick of feeling guilty because my life is perfect, and I'm still unsatisfied.
So it's currently 1 am. January 1st.
I'm not going to do this anymore.
I'm not gonna sit around wondering why I'm not satisfied. Wishing for things I've lost. Mooning over a lost love. Crying over betrayal.
I refuse to do that.
This year, a new Kim is going to be born. One that won't fall in love. One that won't get hurt. One that won't get kicked when she's down. One that won't trust as easily as she did.
The new Kim isn't gonna take shit from anyone.
Not like I do. Correction - did.
No, this year marks the start of something new. Something stronger.
Unlike most people, I did not spend new year's out partying.
Instead, I spent it curled up at home with a giant blanket.
I've been in a horrible, sad mood these past few days. My family and my friends assumed it was because of my news years plans. Or lack of them.
But that's the thing. I don't care about whether I stay at home or not, because I don't like partying. I wouldn't have minded staying home with a couple friends, but everyone wanted to go out and party. So i stayed home.
Either way. My sadness has nothing to do with new years.
I just feel so confused.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I wish I did. I wish I could just shut my eyes, open them after a few minutes and be hit with the answers to life's hardest questions.
But I can't do that.
I'm so sick of hiding. Pretending I'm someone I'm not. Caring about what people think. I'm so sick of feeling guilty because my life is perfect, and I'm still unsatisfied.
So it's currently 1 am. January 1st.
I'm not going to do this anymore.
I'm not gonna sit around wondering why I'm not satisfied. Wishing for things I've lost. Mooning over a lost love. Crying over betrayal.
I refuse to do that.
This year, a new Kim is going to be born. One that won't fall in love. One that won't get hurt. One that won't get kicked when she's down. One that won't trust as easily as she did.
The new Kim isn't gonna take shit from anyone.
Not like I do. Correction - did.
No, this year marks the start of something new. Something stronger.
Hi Kim good to know you know how you are going to be this year. I hope you find the answers to your questions but I thought you decided you knew what you were doing in your life like 12 blogposts ago and you used to like partying( I think) what happened ? oh well Happy New Year and stay positive.
ReplyDeleteYeah I like partying, but the different kind. I like Alexia's chilled out halloween parties. I don't like insane house parties where everyone's drunk and pawing each other. Get it? :)
ReplyDeleteThanks. And yeah, haha. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life. What can I say? It's hard.
This post is amazing. You are such an inspiring person :) good for you for making a change! I used to be like that too, but I promised myself I'd be stronger, and I'm proud to say I feel a hell of a lot better for it :)
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! :) I really appreciate being called inspiring... no one's ever said that before :')
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you feel better! I'm hoping I will be too :) I need strength.. give me some of yours! Haha :)
I've actually awarded you the versatile blogger award, you deserve it! Check out the post here: http://colourbymakeup.blogspot.com/2012/01/versatile-blogger-award.html
DeleteThank you! <3
DeleteWell, damn. I feel like I could have written this. Word. For. Word.
ReplyDeleteHeres to hoping 2012 is WAY better than 2011. (it has to be, right?!)
Yes, it most definitely has been! :)
DeleteI hope yours will be too.